According To Ashlee

( Eleatell/Pixabay) I understand that as I write this, there is no one that actually reads this blog. However, to anyone who may go back through what I suspect will be many, many posts and find this, I give this warning: This is going to be a sobbing, all-over-the-place, possibly incoherent mess. I. AM. NOT. OKAY. I have had to be in boy mode for 8 days and counting. And my soul feels like it's on fire! And not just that, there are other things going on that do not fit the purpose of what I want this blog/site to be, so I'll not comment on that.  I went to ProSouth Wrestling LAST Friday, and that was the last time I was able to feel and look like myself. That was the last time I was able to comfortably look at a mirror. That night was nothing short of a sleep-deprived, magical experience. So validating and amazing. I heard MY name dropped SO MANY times. I got to play dress up, gendered properly, named properly, all the things. It was so amazing! And since then, it's been no...

( Llalyque/Pixabay) Not like that! Get your mind out of the gutter!  I went today and got my eyebrows waxed for the first time. Are they exactly what I want them to be? No. But, I was an anxiety riddled mess the entire time. The best part was the lady doing it was completely accepting, as if a trans woman having to exist in boy mode was a completely okay thing. In the grand scheme of things, getting my brows done is not that big of a deal. However, to me, it was a huge step toward me goal of being able to just exist.  And it's exactly what I needed this week.

( pixifant/Pixabay)  Trigger Warning: Suicide Very few people know this and it is something I want to share. It might even be healthy for me to share. I'm a suicide survivor. While my attempt did not involve a blade nor a bullet, it did involve a very large amount of alcohol, my car, and a bridge on Interstate 22. Throughout my life, I have flirted with and even romanticized suicide. Years of mental and sometimes physical abuse have left many, many scars on me. Years of never learning to process guilt along with blaming myself for things that I never had a reason to. So many things have led to a level of depression that only grew over the years. Since that day, there is a plan in place for when I get mentally low. There are safeguards in place for me to either get to someone or someone get to me. The very few that know this, always meet the admission with sympathy. And while I appreciate that sentiment, also celebrate me. I survived. I made it to the other side. I'm alive today...

(Foundry/Pixabay) I wish I could remember the creator or even the group I saw it in, but there was this graphic/meme that said, "There's no one way to be trans." While the exact verbiage is lost on me, I remember it going into detail about what it meant, and how not always presenting as your identity doesn't make someone less trans. I know I'm transgender, despite how awkward it still feels to say out loud after having suppressed it for so long. And yet, I'm forced as of right now to live mostly in "boy mode." To say that is stressful would be an understatement. It's outright fucking miserable most times. But, does having to be in boy mode so much make me any less of a transgender woman? The obvious answer is no. And, despite knowing that, I still struggle so deeply with my identity having to look at a male face and body every time I look down or in a mirror. I am a perfectionist in everything I do. I am, as the saying goes, my own worst critic...

(drabbitod/Pixabay) Somehow I've found the one instance in which coming out as trans to wonderfully positive results can make life harder. Let me preface this by saying I am not ready to come out and present as my truest feminine self at work. That is for two reasons that I will get to in a bit. However, I have all my ducks in a row. My direct manager knows. Her manager knows. And who has quickly become one of my work besties knows. And all three are unbelievably supportive. First (and I'm not going to use their names here) my manager (whom I will refer to as only J) and bestie (referred to as H). H's giddy excitement has proven contagious and a joy to be around at every development I've told her about. From the wig I just ordered, to my plans for the future, to all of it, she provides so much joyous levity to what can, at times, be a stressful situation right now. My manager is far more thoughtful in her approach. Overwhelmingly respectful, but equally supportive and v...

There's a lot of reasons that I wanted to start a blog sharing my journey as a transgender woman. The first is for myself. How cool will it be one day to look back on my journey and see the evolution and transformation in my own words. What I view as struggles now - I firmly believe one day they will give me strength. I want to be able to look back at that. Secondly, I want to provide resources that I find useful to others. Whether it's hair, makeup, doctors, whatever. If it helped me or made me feel better, then perhaps it can for someone else as well. Lastly, I genuinely want to give back to my community. And I want to be an example for anyone who may struggle. So if one person sees my story, my struggles and can find some element of peace or encouragement from that, then it's worth the effort. My name is Ashlee and this is my journey.