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It was easier when...

(drabbitod/Pixabay)

Somehow I've found the one instance in which coming out as trans to wonderfully positive results can make life harder.

Let me preface this by saying I am not ready to come out and present as my truest feminine self at work. That is for two reasons that I will get to in a bit.

However, I have all my ducks in a row. My direct manager knows. Her manager knows. And who has quickly become one of my work besties knows. And all three are unbelievably supportive.

First (and I'm not going to use their names here) my manager (whom I will refer to as only J) and bestie (referred to as H).

H's giddy excitement has proven contagious and a joy to be around at every development I've told her about. From the wig I just ordered, to my plans for the future, to all of it, she provides so much joyous levity to what can, at times, be a stressful situation right now.

My manager is far more thoughtful in her approach. Overwhelmingly respectful, but equally supportive and very inquisitive. There is a genuine curiosity in her eyes when she asks questions and takes interest. And some of those questions have been thought provoking and allows me an opportunity to think even deeper than I sometimes am able to do so myself.

I've come to appreciate both of them on levels that I didn't think I ever could. They've become my way that, even if only through conversation, I'm able to be myself.

And then after talking to her manager, I feel so confident that when I am ready to transition at work, it will be as smooth and seamless as possible.

In fact she assured me of just that.

"Just let me know when ypure ready and we will do what we need to to make it as seamless as possible," she said in our meeting yesterday.

This brings me to my two reasons.

1. My voice: I have extreme dysphoria about the way I sound. I'm practicing and practicing and don't feel I'm getting any better. In fact, I feel as if I must be mute or my whole self-image comes crashing down around me. I kind of have to talk a work.

2. Body hair - Yes, I know, ick. At least for me. And it is course, thick, and EVERYWHERE. Unfortunately I can't shave everyday because it would cause me to break out severely. So, I have to tolerate beard and hair growth for two to three days at a time. So much so that even makeup can't hide it.

I'm practicing every day at my voice and I'm saving every penny I can to afford a $300 at-home laser hair removal device that has wonderful reviews. But, until then, I'm trapped behind those two limitations.

And damn it is hard.

It's no longer a hypothetical. I'm safe at work. And now, the patience required to wait it eating me alive. I could be at work as my authentic self, but am having to wait on those two things and it has made the wait feel even harder.

When the day comes, it will be so amazing. Until then, I think it has made it harder knowing I can, but can't. 

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