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'There is no one way': Striving for perfection

(Foundry/Pixabay)

I wish I could remember the creator or even the group I saw it in, but there was this graphic/meme that said, "There's no one way to be trans." While the exact verbiage is lost on me, I remember it going into detail about what it meant, and how not always presenting as your identity doesn't make someone less trans.

I know I'm transgender, despite how awkward it still feels to say out loud after having suppressed it for so long. And yet, I'm forced as of right now to live mostly in "boy mode."

To say that is stressful would be an understatement. It's outright fucking miserable most times.

But, does having to be in boy mode so much make me any less of a transgender woman? The obvious answer is no. And, despite knowing that, I still struggle so deeply with my identity having to look at a male face and body every time I look down or in a mirror.

I am a perfectionist in everything I do. I am, as the saying goes, my own worst critic. In nearly every case, that can be a good thing in that I do my best work under pressure. In this case, however, I feel utterly less-than.

I've never been the type that I say "I feel trapped in someone else's body." That's just not what it is. Instead, it's a silent self-loathing.

I've never liked the way I looked, even when i dropped 125 lbs, wore nice clothes, and had really unique haircuts. I experimented with everything I could and just felt empty with the reflection looking back at me.

In comparison, when I'm me, I even said out loud to one of my partners, "I don't hate me right now." And, I never have. It's a full, joyous feeling that exudes confidence, passion, and inner beauty. I feel so deeply whole.

I sit in places like work where I'm having to live in boy mode and just feel empty. My stomach hurts, I start shaking, I avoid mirrors. I feel like I'm betraying myself.

It is for those reasons that, just because I'm not where I want to be, I'm not any less of a transgender woman. I'm just forced to live under the circumstances life has dealt me right now.

Being trans can mean anything to anyone.

My advice for anyone going through this, keep something on you to keep you grounded so you don't feel disconnected from your identity. And keep a journal with your goals listed on it. Pick one of those goals and just work on it every day. Mine today is my voice.

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