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*Sobbing rant* I am not okay...

(Eleatell/Pixabay)

I understand that as I write this, there is no one that actually reads this blog. However, to anyone who may go back through what I suspect will be many, many posts and find this, I give this warning:

This is going to be a sobbing, all-over-the-place, possibly incoherent mess.

I. AM. NOT. OKAY.

I have had to be in boy mode for 8 days and counting. And my soul feels like it's on fire! And not just that, there are other things going on that do not fit the purpose of what I want this blog/site to be, so I'll not comment on that. 

I went to ProSouth Wrestling LAST Friday, and that was the last time I was able to feel and look like myself. That was the last time I was able to comfortably look at a mirror.

That night was nothing short of a sleep-deprived, magical experience. So validating and amazing. I heard MY name dropped SO MANY times. I got to play dress up, gendered properly, named properly, all the things. It was so amazing!

And since then, it's been nothing but boy. And I'm fucking miserable.

So here's the ranting part.

Fun fact #1: I've been wearing long sleeves to work for 2 months. Flannel, hoodies, etc. just so I don't have to look at the hair growing on my arms! I'm wearing hot-as-fuck clothes in hot-as-fuck summer in Alabama. And yes, I shave. But, I can't shave more than every three days because it causes my skin to break out so bad. And I'm fucking cursed with high testosterone and the shit grows back so fucking fast. (I love my four-letter words.) So, I'm growing hair. EVERYWHERE. And all I can do is stare at it. I can't afford laser because, holy shit that's expensive. And there is a ILP hair removal device that gets GREAT reviews, but even that is fucking insane.

We're a polyamorous triad with three kids and just getting groceries breaks the bank. Not to mention, four birthdays in this house in three months. Not to mention, we're still recovering from taking the kids to Universal Studios.

Speaking of kids, aren't ex-wives wonderful. I mean, mine went on a self righteous Messenger rant at the idea that I might be transgender and, again, decided to tell me what a horrible fucking human I am.

Fun fact #2: Family court in Alabama is a fucking joke. Additionally, Alabama, one of many states that chooses to govern and legislate morality, does not approve of anything LGBT. So, here's what's fun. If I come out as openly trans and my ex decides to make a thing of it, I am utterly fucked. I will lose my daughter. I will be forced to pay even more in child support. And all because I would like to, for fucking once, be happy in my own skin.

Fun fact #3: My daughter is outright anti-trans. Yep. You read that right. She doesn't believe in gender identity. Despite my best efforts to the contrary, my bigoted ex-wife, her family, and my parents apparently got to her more than I could with my whole four fucking days per month. So, even if I come out trans openly and publicly and somehow my ex doesn't go full psycho, I could still lose my daughter. So that's fucking fabulous.

I mentioned money earlier, and I had to drop $2,200 of my saved up HSA to pay for my daughter's braces. And, well, yay! I'm stoked that she is happy with them. But that is leaving me with very little options for my own needs. Hell, I don't even know how I'm going to be able to afford the therapist appointments needed to get the letter needed for me to start HRT with UAB in a couple months. So, again, yay...

So much is going fucking wrong right now. I feel like my support system is crumbling. I feel alone. I feel discouraged. I feel afraid. I feel so many things and none of them are good.

I've cried myself completely out of tears.

It all can't be this hopeless, right?

Side note: Is it awful to set up a GoFundMe or a cashapp to help with things if people feed so inclined? I do not ever ask for help, so it feels wrong. But, I see a lot of people do it. What's the consensus opinion on that?

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