Settling for less...

Image by Markus Winkler from Pixabay

This week has been hard. Hell, it's been hard since Jan. 20, but that's a whole other conversation.

Since coming out as transgender in October, I've been relegated to wigs. In June 2024, I was bald - as in razor shaved head sitting on a beach bald. So it's been slow going getting my hair to grow out.

Knowing how hair works, I knew I needed to get the dead ends cut off to keep it healthy and growing, but thought, "What if I can style it in a pixie and feel comfortable?"

On Monday, I went to a La Ti Da Salon and got it cut. The lady who did it was really sweet, despite my consistent inability to sustain small talk. (That's a lifelong issue for me. I just don't know how to do it being socially awkward.)

On Tuesday, I went to work with just MY hair. Additionally, my breast development has gotten to a point to where, with a fairly complimentary bra, I can go without my forms. So, for the very first time ever, I was just me without anything artificial.

I was euphoric.

Now, the back of my hair was still a bit longer than I wanted and, after styling it Tuesday, I knew I wanted it a little shorter for the look I was going for.

Our son needed a haircut and I decided to go with him to Supercuts in Jasper.

I had already taken my makeup off for the day and was feeling pretty self conscious as I normally do after that, but called ahead and said, "Hey, this is who I am, this is what I'm wanting, etc." I was reassured it was fine.

Well, we got there, waited, and finally was seated. I explained to the gentleman that I was happy with the front and sides, but wanted the back brought up a bit.

Before I realized what was happening, he has trimmed around my ears to the front. And it was in that moment I realized what had happened - he had given me a boy cut....

I couldn't stop him at this point or else it would have been uneven. The other side had to be done.

I gritted my teeth and finished it before asking my partner if she could handle the payment so I could go outside.

I got the car and broke down crying, hysterically.

Every bit of dysphoria I've ever felt hit me all at once. I got home and cried. I cried myself to sleep that night. And then struggled to hold back tears all day yesterday at work.

I can't adequately put into words the absolute horror I feel about myself right now. I'm not sure I could even begin to put words on it.

Yes, it's just a haircut, but to tell someone you're transgender, ask for a specific cut and then to watch them go out of their way to make you look like someone you're not...

Over the past 12 hours, I've started realizing how to put into words what I'm feeling - I will never accomplish or look or truly see how I feel. I will have to accept it.

I admire and believe the people that say, "You don't have to pass to be trans." But, that is so very important to me. My worst fear is looking like a man in women's clothing. I'm a woman and want to feel and look as such. But all I see are my wide jaw, big nose, deep brow, broad shoulders, etc. I hear my voice. And then....

That haircut has me feeling like I have to accept who and what I am and live with it. I have to settle for less and learn to be happy. (There are other aspects here I'm feeling like that about but this is a family-friendly blog, at least in terms of subject matter.)

As I write this, tears are welling in my eyes because that's not what I want my life to be. I want to truly love myself AND my reflection.

My dysphoria is at an all-time high. My anxiety just as much. I can't stop crying. I can't pull myself out of the mental rut I'm in and figure out how to move forward.

Just being here is so fucking hard right now.