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'We could twin!': The best reaction I could've every hoped for


Ya know, I kind of suck at keeping a blog. Going to make it a point to do at least one per week going forward, a lofty goal for my OCD self....

So I guess some update:

The kids now know... and are so supportive!!!!

The youngest has known for a long while. She needed to as she was struggling with her own very young identity. The middle one - I trusted his mom's judgement. And then there's the oldest, the one that scared me the absolute most. 

I once wrote that I believed she was outright anti-trans. And maybe at that time she was. She is a devout Christian, growing daily in her faith and her relationship with God. And while I'm unbelievably supportive of her developing and flourishing that relationship, I can't say it didn't worry me. Christians and LGBT people don't typically mix.

"I'm going to ask you a very simple question, and you can answer just 'yes' or 'no.,'"

"Okay."

"Do you know and just don't know what or how to say anything?"

"Yes."

There was lots of crying, lots of talking and everything. In the end, she hugged me so tight and said, "I could never, ever hate you."

And then two days ago she said she wanted to twin with me at the beach when we go on vacation.

Y'all, I'm on cloud nine and feel untouchable.

My entire world - at least the parts that matter - love and embrace me. It's a feeling I can't explain. (Now if I can't just get my co-workers to stop habitually saying "sir"...)

More meds...

My most recent bloodwork showed the following:

Testosterone Level: 137 ng/dL (Down from 368 four months ago.)
Estradiol Sensitive: 54 pg/mL (Up from 24 four months ago.)

While it's on track, it's still off. So my doctor at UAB (I can't recommend her enough. She's so amazing.) upped my medications to 6 mg Estradiol twice per day (up from 4 mg) and 100 mg of Spiro twice per day (up from 50 mg.)

I am fully aware of mental conditioning and placebo affects, it doesn't seem like changes are happening more noticeably since the meds went up. Breast development is more pronounced, albeit still tiny. My hips are more developed. There's a number of things I notice, like decreased body hair growth.

I always say "It's call 'transition' for a reason, be patient." But fuck, patience sucks.

I am taking vitamins for healthier hair and nail growth. Desperately wanting to be done with wigs. I'm taking meds to quit smoking and plan to be completely off by June 12 - beach trip. 

I am looking for recommendations and quotes for laser hair removal for my face. My skin is so bad from having to do large-scale shaving every day. (Plus so sick of having to use orange coverup.)

Work-life balance - is that a thing?

I'm burnt out - badly.

I'm literally just counting minutes until we leave for Myrtle Beach on June 11. I'm not motivated at work, don't feel any passion or sense or belonging. I'm chalking that up to two things:

  1. Aforementioned burn out.
  2. Lack of work-life balance.
I work 4:30-1:30 an hour from home. So to say I have a different sleep pattern from my partners is an understatement. I miss them. I miss my kids.

Polyamory is hard by itself, as we're in the middle of learning. (I won't get into that right now, but we've come closer than I'm comfortable admitting to fully imploding. I keep hoping for a solid turnaround.) When you add in the fact that work is exhausting, home is exhausting, existing is exhausting. There's not time to breathe.

I've started taking 10-hour round trip day-trips to the beach just to slow down and catch my breath. But the drive is, you guessed it, exhausting.

I need things to just work and not be quite so complicated or exhausting so I can get my feet back under me. My head hasn't stopped spinning since I came out.

In other news:

Nothing really. 

The federal and state governments still fucking suck and are doing everything they can to make life unbearable.

WrestleMania was good but not great. Terrible match to end the show. Looking forward to Cena vs. Orton.

We're still trying to get a bedroom built. And still pissed we got fucked by a shady "contractor."

To wrap this week up, I'm in an overall good place. And my kids have made up for all the bad. I still struggle to feel I've earned the right to the word "mom," but I'm the luckiest parent on Earth to the best three kids anyone could have ever hoped for. I hope they always know how much I love them and that I'll give anything for them.

They're my entire world.

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