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Let's play catch-up!

Pexels from Pixabay

For a while I've sat down and started to write, but could never find the words. There are four entries left unfinished sitting in draft status as so much has happened since October.

I've come out at work and being my best little authentic self. We all lost in the 2024 presidential election. I've been on hormone therapy for nearly three months and about to have my dosage increased. I'm still struggling with my ex-wife and daughter. And it seems as if my home life is on the verge of falling apart just as I feeling like myself.

So let me start on a light note: My nipples hurt so bad!! The breast tenderness is real. My nephew came to our house a week or so ago and just ran and jumped on me. His left hand landed directly, full-weight on my right nipple. I didn't say anything, but my inner voice said many expletives. I can feel the breast buds growing which is such an amazing feeling.

My body hair is also growing in thinner, which thank goodness because I've not been consistent using the Ulike Air 10. Aside from that, there haven't been any other physical changes. I'm noticing that I'm more emotional, crying over pretty much anything at any given moment. Given things going on at home, that's been rough at times.

I'm currently on 2 mg Estradiol and then another DHT blocker to help with my receding hairline. I've noticed a little improvement on that front.

When I first started this journey, I signed up for Plume. And while the online subscription service is quite convenient and quick, it's never been what I prefer.

Look, I'm 38 years old. I'm and old-school kind of girl and not the biggest fan of e-medicine. But, given I think my insurance is pretty much worthless in this regard, I felt it was my only option.

Before I realized the potential state of my insurance, I had set up an appointment with UAB Gender Health Services in Birmingham. (That's the University of Alabama at Birmingham for those not familiar.) I decided to not cancel the appointment because I had questions.

Let me say this: If you live in or around central Alabama and are looking for a provider, please consider UAB. I can't express enough how much I loved my experience. I'm waiting to see what my insurance (Anthem Blue Cross/Blue Shield) says. If it's more affordable than the $100 per month I'm paying for Plume, I love the doctor and service at UAB.

As part of that appointment, my doctor up my Estradiol to 4 mg and prescribed Spiro as well. I'm very excited to see where that goes from here.

I'm still at odds and torn on how to handle my ex-wife. After her initial reaction, I'm still convinced she will challenge my parental rights, as limited as they are as a biological sperm donor. And, living in rural Alabama, I will lose that battle in family court. It's not a fight I'm willing to lose. My biological daughter ages out of that court in six years.

As painful as it is, I know I'll have to maintain a boy mode to protect myself as a parent. It's bullshit, but a part of what I signed up for.

As far as my daughter herself, it's a fear I can't put into words. She's already aging into being a teenager and not wanting to hand out with "dad" anymore. I also know she is growing into a relatively religious person thanks to outside influences. And while I support anyone's right to practice religion, religion in the deep south largely chooses to persecute the LGBT community. 

It's THE rejection I fear.

On to a happier note, I got an INCREDIBLE deal from Chelsey Smith Cosmetics for some new hair pieces as I impatiently wait for my hair to grow back out.

Speaking of hair, I'm dealing with an incredibly painful infection on my face stemming from my time with a beard to start the year. So, one, it hurts. Two, nice reminder of why I'm having to deal with it. And lastly, the antibiotics make me feel so sick... I hates it.

Things went lovely at work. While I'm sure there are people who don't like my existence - I was never naive enough to think everyone would be great with it - I've been treated with the utmost respect. Those closest to me have even been so amazingly affirming.

I've learned over the past couple of days that there are those I can not trust at work due to the consistent echoing of my words - OUT of context - that have made my life at work even more difficult. Those "leaks" have been shut down. And when someone wants to have the integrity to actually ask me about it, I'm more than happy to let them know. Either of them.

At work, I've always been naive enough to want to befriend those around me. I don't buy into politics and blatant ass-kissing. Instead, I believe in relationships and trust and teamwork. My attitude toward that has deeply shifted over the past week. I think I'm going to do a blog about that in the coming days.

I never thought polyamory would be easy. We've not exactly taught how to manage the intricate relationship dynamics when there are more than two people.

For those that don't know, we are a romantically-closed triad. Myself and two CIS-women live together with our three children. It was our first experience in polyamory. And there have been complications along the way, but I always believed it was meant to be and we could overcome everything. 

I'm starting to doubt that. Everything has gotten worse and worse. I'm the first to say that my perception could be altered due to the emotional changes of hormone therapy. I've laid down my boundaries. I don't know what else to do. I love them so much. And can't imagine my life without them. But I have to protect myself.

I think that pretty much catches us up to today.

I'm going to try and remember to not take so long in between posts.

Much Love,

Ashlee

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